Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first annual Miss Marvel Pageant!

With the ever entertaining Miss USA Pageant coming and going with as much fan fare as usual (namely slim to none), the time felt ripe to apply such an inspired concept to the comic book world. If ten women from the Marvel Universe competed in a beauty pageant, who would win?

Let’s meet our judges for tonight’s festivities. Our first judge is Stan Lee, whom if you know anything about Marvel Comics needs no introduction. An ancient icon and creator of many favorite Marvel characters, Stan sure knows our contestants inside and out. Dr. Doom is our second judge, a brilliant scientist and the monarch of Latveria. He is known for his harsh judgment of humanity, most especially the female gender. And the Scarlett Witch is our third judge. She’s the daughter of Magneto, has the ability to alter reality, and was recently declared insane before altering the world and de-powering millions of mutants.

Now that you’ve met the judges, let’s meet the real stars of the show. Initial introductions are coupled with the commentary from the judges on the first round of competition: The Costume Competition! Contestants are allowed to wear their current crime fighting (or crime committing) costume or they may model any costume they’ve worn in the past. Without further ado, let’s bring out the contestants!

Amazing Spider-Woman – As if sticking to walls wasn’t cool enough, the amazing Jessica Drew has a lot going for her. Her bioelectric energy blasts are nothing to scoff at, especially when they come backed with superhuman strength, speed and agility. You can’t keep this girl down; she can survive any poison or radiation. Not the type to let others do the heavy lifting or the hard thinking, Jessica is the daughter of a doctor and a member of the Avengers.

Stan Lee – There’s a reason they call her the Amazing Spider-Woman! Very few super-ladies can pull off the red and yellow combination, but Jessica does it with flair! The armpit webbing really pulls the outfit together.
Dr. Doom – Doom desires to squash Spider-Woman like the arachnid she emulates. However, Doom approves the emphasis on the dramatic eye lines on the face mask. It is important to draw attention to the eyes.
Scarlett Witch – Jessica’s a nice person and all, but I look better in red.

Elektra – No one messes with the electrifying Elektra Natchios! Martial arts expert and trained assassin, this foxy lady is no pushover. She’s danced with the Dardevil and killed for the Kingpin, and she’s a card-carrying member of the “I Died but I Came Back to Life” club. Then again, who isn’t nowadays?

Stan Lee – Elektra is excelsior! With her weapons of choice and the lovely red spandex that clings in all the right places, this is a woman who can’t help but be noticed.
Dr. Doom – Doom supports the use of sharp objects to solve problems.
Scarlett Witch – I still look better in red. Though I wish I’d thought of that head scarf thing before I went off the deep end.

Invisible Woman – Wife, mother and founding member of the Fantastic Four, Sue Richards is a busy little blonde. Since soaking up some cosmic rays on a trip out to space, Sue can turn herself and nearby objects invisible and she can produce force fields in variable sizes and strengths. Having a son with unlimited and unstable power potential and a husband who’s one of the smartest men in the world has got to be tough, but Sue manages to save the world and still have time for a family dinner. Impressive!

Stan Lee – It’s clobberin’ time, as in Sue can clobber the competition! You can’t go wrong with a classic, and Sue’s found little wrong with her threads over the years. When you got powers and connections like her, blue spandex and a number ‘4’ on your chest is all you need.
Dr. Doom – The woman-slave of my nemesis must suffer and perish! Yet Doom reluctantly admits the blue of her uniform sets off her eyes.
Scarlett Witch – She can become invisible. Why wear anything at all?

Ms. Marvel – This blonde bombshell is more than meets the appreciative eye. Carol Danvers has a history of intergalactic adventures, one of which resulted in her genetic structure becoming a blend of human and alien Kree DNA. She has the power of flight, super-strength and energy blasts which come from her hands. Carol has battled demons of various incarnations, but her recent struggle with alcoholism has shown her to be just as human as the rest of us.

Stan Lee – A marvelous choice! Black on blonde has always worked for this super lady!
Dr. Doom – A fine exterior to hide a whore’s heart.
Scarlett Witch – I’ve always wondered about the lighting bolt. Does it serve a purpose besides matching her hair?

Mystique – One of the most cunning and devious women in the Marvel Universe, Raven Darkholme is a skilled shape-shifter. She has many identities and agendas; one can never really tell what’s going on inside that beautiful blue and red head. Having served as ally and enemy, Raven seems to be as inconstant in her morals as she is in her outward form.

Stan Lee – Ah, the mysterious Mystique! Ever changing, always in motion, Raven has worn many faces. I do appreciate the classic white dress with skull belt. It’s a testament to her roots, as well as looking great against her blue skin.
Dr. Doom – This woman has the appearance of an unfaithful cow, but Doom admires the use of skulls as a fashion accessory.
Scarlett Witch – If she’s can’t find an outfit that looks better than the one she wore when she still thought the sun rose and set in my father’s pants, then she’s not paying enough attention to her wardrobe.

Phoenix – Jean Grey is one of the original members of not only the X-Men, but of the “I Died but Came Back to Life” club as well. Few people can claim as many resurrections as Jean, but as long as she keeps coming back as a ravishing red-head, who’s to complain? Ultimate level telepath and telekinetic, Jean’s spent quality time with a cosmic force capable of creating and destroying worlds. She was married to Scott Summers a.k.a. Cyclops of the X-Men, but was separated from him upon finding him in the throes of a psychic affair with another woman. And then she died. Again.

Stan Lee – ‘Nuff said! Well, actually, when it comes to Jean Grey there’s a lot to be said! Although her Dark Phoenix colors really look better with her hair, the benevolent Phoenix colors send a message of hope, love and rebirth. Plus, the gold sash is too hip!
Dr. Doom – Good use of green, which is Doom’s favorite color.
Scarlett Witch – I’d offer my assistance, but her reality has been altered so much it’s hard to tell where to start.

Psylocke – Betsy Braddock has certainly been through the ringer. Eyes being gouged out, body swaps, fluctuating powers, near-death experiences, actual death experiences; this purple-haired princess has done it all. She even managed to squeeze in a modeling career and intense martial arts training. Where does she find the time?
 

Stan Lee – I always enjoyed Psylocke’s swimsuit look. With a body (or bodies, more accurately) like hers, it’s important to show off as much of it as possible. Top it off with some partial gloves and you’ve got an assassin with an arresting outfit!
Dr. Doom – Purple is the color of royalty, but the costume is the clothing of lifeguards and loose women.
Scarlett Witch – Ok, between her and Elektra, I have to ask: what’s with the superfluous leg straps? Do they contain teeny tiny martial arts knives?

Rogue – Anna Marie is a sassy southern belle with the ability to absorb an individual’s power and/or life force. Though her power makes her a force to be reckoned with, it also means she must keep those she loves at arms length. She started her career as a villain, but her tortured psyche and soul lead her to the X-Men and redemption from her evil ways.
 

Stan Lee – I just can’t resist those bad girls gone good! Unfortunately with Rogue’s powers it’s essential to cover up, but thankfully her cheeky attitude and her unique head of hair match this outfit perfectly. The green and gold speak of her love of life, and the bomber jacket hints at her rebellious, tough-gal attitude. The green head strap highlights her already awesome white shock of hair.
Dr. Doom – Again, excellent use of Doom’s favorite color. The jacket is not quite as nice as Doom’s cape, but it serves its purpose of covering more of the untouchable abomination.
Scarlett Witch – Wish I could say something scathing, but MAN does she work that jacket!

She-Hulk – Though she shares her code name and powers with her irradiated cousin, Jennifer Walters is far more attractive testament to the beauty of being green. She’s a super-strong superhero as well as a hot-shot lawyer, so bad guys are doubly screwed. If this green giantess doesn’t stay jolly, she has the choice of squashing her opponents or suing them. Villains beware!
 

Stan Lee – You don’t want to make her angry, especially when she’s in all of her green glory. Have to say, she could do better than a purple and white one-piece. Let’s see a few of those green abs!
Dr. Doom – Truly striking use of the color green, even if it is represented by her unworthy flesh.
Scarlett Witch – Slightly feminine voice, ability to complete sentences, obvious presence of breasts...oh, SHE-Hulk! Now I get it! Thought I was going crazy there for a minute.

Storm – Ororo Munroe was raised an African goddess and is now the reigning Queen of Wakanda. With the very elements of nature at her command, there’s no doubt this white-haired weather witch is one of the most powerful beings on the planet. Ororo’s also an accomplished thief and suffers from claustrophobia.
 

Stan Lee – Gather ‘round, true believers, ‘cause here’s a stunner! Ororo looks good in everything, from the scraps of clothing she wore as a child-god to the various uniforms she’s sported as an X-Man. I have to say the black and gold really won my heart. The way it falls off her elegant shoulders is just right, plus the basic-yet-bold colors don’t overpower her ethereal beauty.
Dr. Doom – Doom still has strong feelings for the woman who controls the weather. Two enthusiastic, metal-covered thumbs up.
Scarlett Witch – I heard she keeps lock picks in the head piece. How cool is that?

That concludes the Costume Competition in the first Miss Marvel Pageant. Tune in next time for the most difficult portion of the pageant: The Interview Inquiries, where our contestants will answer difficult questions as to how their powers and personalities will help them make the best Miss Marvel. This is an intensely emotional and dramatic situation for our contestants, and should not be missed!

Until then (Stan, if you please):

Stan Lee – Make Mine Marvel!