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Marissa Meli Presents... GO AXE ALICE!

Last-Minute Halloween Costumes for Geeks

Halloween’s this Saturday, and you were unexpectedly invited to a party. Highlander: The Complete Series on DVD will be there when you get back. Let’s take this opportunity to fly our nerd flag high while saving money for the holiday gaming season.

1. WWE SmackDown vs. Raw wrassler

You’ll need: 1 pair of Spandex cycling shorts (Goodwill, $1 plus tax), tub of Country Crock (local grocery store, $3), confidence (it can only come from within).


Put on your cycling shorts (preferably over a pair of very supportive underwear) AFTER washing them a few times. Grease your body and hair in butter substitute for that wrestly look. Plan a stunning entrance complete with theme song and get a few friends to cheer for you as you walk through the door. Spend the rest of the evening clotheslining dudes you don’t like and putting girls dressed as Victoria’s Secret angels in a variety of holds. You’re just staying in character!

2. Snake (Metal Gear Solid video games)

You’ll need: fatigues (Army/Navy Store, cheap), black tie (your closet, free), black eye patch (drugstore, $3), empty cardboard box (friendly associate at Wal-Mart during midnight stocking, free).

Perfect for the geek who would rather keep the social interaction to a minimum, master of stealth Solid Snake will help you represent your fandom without talking to many people. Put on your fatigues and eye patch and tie your tie around your head. Hide under a cardboard box, occasionally creeping around. Hey, wasn’t that box three feet to the left a few minutes ago? Only you know for sure. If someone peeks under your box, hold a piece of paper with an exclamation point over his head and get out of there!

3. Ninja

You’ll need: nothing.

Mainstreamers are just now beginning to understand how cool ninjas are, so don’t worry about being behind the geek times. Stay home from the party and tell everyone you were there dressed as a ninja. Highlander DVDs, here we come!

4. Doctor Who

You’ll need: Brown overcoat and striped scarf for Tom Baker version (Goodwill, $10), pinstriped suit for David Tennant version (Goodwill, $15).

It’s wise to base your choice of Doctor on what you already have in your closet. That nine foot long scarf your Nana knitted for you can be put to good use as the Tom Baker incarnation of the Doctor. The pinstriped suit you thought you would wear to your job after graduating from college can come out of the closet for you to dress up as David Tennant’s Doctor. If you don’t have any of these items or are running late, just put on an outfit unlike what you usually wear and say you are dressing up as the Eighth Doctor. No one remembers him anyway, so you can just make up your own costume and back-story. “The Eighth Doctor is the one who always got laid at parties” is not a recommended back-story.

5. Ryu (Street Fighter video games)

You’ll need: Used karate uniform (sporting goods resale shop, $10), red tie (your closet or Goodwill), red gloves (Goodwill, $2), blue sequins or confetti (craft store, $3), old black t-shirt (your closet or Goodwill).

Head to Play-It-Again Sports or another sports resale shop and pick up a used kids’ karate uniform. Take that pint-sized uniform and rip the ends off, making it look like your bulging muscles couldn’t be contained. Wrap your red tie around your head (if there’s one thing I want you to take away from this post, it’s that ties can be very versatile). Cut the fingers off of your red gloves. Cut a long, continuous strip (up and over the shoulder) from your black t-shirt and tie it around your waist. Go up to fellow partygoers and shout “Hadouken! Hadouken!” while throwing blue sequins or confetti in their faces. This is only fun if you don’t have to clean up afterwards.

6. Windows 7

You’ll need: Large cardboard box (same friendly Wal-Mart associate, free), small Asian girl (do not exchange money for this costume element).

Your costume isn’t important. Just write “Windows 7” on the box, cut holes for your head and arms, and put it on. The magical ingredient is the small Asian girl. Now unless you happen to have a 5 year-old Asian daughter, cousin or niece and are going to an all-ages party, this costume isn’t an option for you. Don’t try to think this one out; there really aren’t any viable alternatives. If you do happen to have one in your family, ply her with candy as you encourage her to memorize the following phrases: “My name is Kylie and I found these happy words all over my dad’s computer.” “I’m a PC and I’m four-and-a-half.” “Snappy and repon…kiz…liv.” You’ll be the hit of the party and you’ll score tons of nice guy points for hanging out with the tyke.

Marissa Meli

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