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Go Axe Alice
Marissa Meli Presents... GO AXE ALICE!

It’s the holidays, which always means two things: weight gain and well-meaning but ignorant relatives disappointing geeks with obsolete and downright baffling gifts. Don’t be another victim of Grandma’s love: print out these ten carefully mined suggestions and steer her in the right direction.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition

Every self-respecting gamer already owns a copy of the latest entry in the military series. But do you have the one that comes with night vision goggles? Master the art of the nocturnal stealth kill online, then use the goggles to create some nighttime mischief. While we don’t recommend reenacting what you see in the game (save for the frequent hugging), you’ve got a built-in legal defense. $149.99, PS3 and Xbox 360.

The Marvel Encyclopedia (2009)

Another edition of The Marvel Encyclopedia is in print, this time celebrating the 70th anniversary of the House of M. Over 1000 characters are detailed in alphabetical order. Revisit your favorites and cringe at forgotten characters like Bling!, daughter of Daddy Libido and Sexy Mutha. Kids will love leafing through this book, using the information to stage their own battles and play their favorite characters. You can also borrow it while they are sleeping. $40

Ticket to Ride

The Germans make the best board games, and this is no exception. Combining two eternal geek loves, trains and games of skill, Ticket to Ride is perfect for 2-5 players. Collect cards that represent various train cars and build railroads that connect American cities. A European version is also available. It’s also available as a PC game for a fraction of the price online, but much of the charm is lost. $59.99

T-800 Leather Motorcycle Jacket prop replica

If you don’t know why this is an amazing gift, you better ask somebody. This wearable replica of Arnold’s leather jacket from Terminator gives a permanent +30 badass boost. Better get it this Christmas, because it’s only going to be manufactured this year in honor of the movie’s 25th anniversary. $299, Museum Replicas

Absinthe and Flamethrowers by William Gurstelle

So much testosterone, so little time. Plan out your fire-related indiscretions with this Dangerous Book for Adults. Both a collection of souped-up science experiments and a guide to living the life extreme, Absinthe and Flamethrowers has earned accolades from such unlikely sources as The New York Times. Combined with the fact that the book opens with a quote from Helen Keller, I am proud to announce that being a man-child has just gotten a little classy. $16.95.

Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25

Admit it. You still want to be Rambo. Even after that recent sequel of dubious quality, every action fan in the world wants to experience first-hand the thrill of firing off a clip so long it can wrap around your chest. You could join the real army, but that’s scary. Enter the Nerf Vulcan, a mountable monster of a fully automatic weapon. With a belt that feeds 25 darts at a rate of 3 per second, your buddies are toast. Use the tripod to mount it on the back of your ATV for a victimless drive-by—just remember to ask for your darts back politely.

Fly Stick Van de Graff Levitation Wand

To most of us, it’s magic and witchcraft that should be feared and killed to death. To you, it’s pure science. Use the levitation wand to control and levitate the mylar shapes (included). Inside the wand is a mini Van de Graaff generator that harnesses the power of static electricity. Now if they could just use this technology to get your recliner to the fridge, we’d be in business. $26.99

Ken Burns: The National Parks: America’s Best Idea

Ken Burns: The Documentarian: America’s Geekiest Man. Jazz, Baseball, and now the National Parks. Chances are if you run in the same circles as people who visit this site you know someone who will treasure this Blu Ray of the acclaimed, 12 hour PBS documentary. The footage of Yellowstone, Yosemite, Grand Canyon, Acadia, and the Great Smoky Mountains is gorgeous (delightful Grand Canyon pun intended). $129.99

Lost Daniel Faraday bobble head

Did you know that there was a real, famous physicist named Faraday? Of course you did, because you are a fellow geek. By the transitive property, you then also watch Lost and enjoy the wacky science of physicist Daniel Faraday. Put him where he belongs: stuck in time, eternally nodding on your shelf. This 7-inch bobble head comes with Eloise the rat and his scientific notebook. How can he be holding the notebook and standing on it at the same time? These are the mysteries of science, my friend. $12.99

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

What began as a joke is now a product available for your conspicuous consumption. Inspired by Han Solo’s use of a Tauntaun’s insides to warm Luke Skywalker on the Planet Hoth, this Tauntaun sleeping bag is sure to be a hit with any Star Wars fan. The Tauntaun head pillow, intestine-printed insides and plush Lightsaber zipper pull take it from awesome to license-worthy. ThinkGeek is taking preorders now. Don’t worry if it won’t arrive by the holidays, your giftee will still be overwhelmed with joy. Big enough to fit adults! $99.99

Marissa Meli

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