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Jocelyn Saddler Presents:








BEYOND BORDERS 1: Hard Questions

There comes a point when your innocence of enjoying your favorite show, comic, book whatever is ruined. You start to think too much. You can relate it to real life or reality and as soon as you are finished reading or writing and it’s that whole “hmmm” thing. For me it was Murder She Wrote. I went to school minored in Criminal Justice. Now when I watch the show I realize that all these people could get off on many a technicality. She completely ignores the chain of evidence and fruit of poison tree, and do not even get me started on the witness tampering. I can’t just innocently enjoy the show with my ignorance anymore. Don’t worry I still love you J.B. Fletcher. The same thing goes for comics. Only I get questions. The hard questions. The ones that I really want to ask a writer so I can see how they will explain it. Secretly hoping that I’ll get the chance to say “HA ANSWER THAT!” and “HA HA GOT YOU!”

He are some hard questions. The ones that I think of on a regular basis. Wait first off I have a Hard Statement: Batman is Kick Ass. End. Of. Story.

How does Superman maintain his muscles? Wait! How did he get the muscles in the first place? Yeah the theory is that he lifts tractors and helps out on the farm and that is how he stays so fit. There was a point in time when he could move planets. I’m sorry your panties just bunched up cause our present day Superman cannot move planets, but he can toss fire engines. A fire engine more than likely is heavier than the tractor that is on the farm in Smallville. Plus he probably gets more of a work out going up against one of Luthor’s kooky schemes than tending to the farm. So basically how would he maintain that muscle mass lifting tractors or working on the farm? How many squats would he have to do in order to keep his thighs like that? There are many others who could lift a tractor and are not nearly as strong as Superman. Hello, Wondergirl. Does the yellow rays of the sun fill his muscles with so much strength that he muscles bulge? What about Supergirl? Kryptonian steroids? What is it?

I know Power Girl is very muscular too and she doesn’t even work out on the farm. Plus she has big boobs. Wait I’m sorry how crude…breasts. No female who has that much muscle mass naturally has breasts that are that big. She doesn’t really have the body fat for it. The question is, are they fake? Is it that the yellow rays of our sun fill krytonian bodies like the sun’s rays fill up the chlorophyll in plants?

Why hasn’t the Flash royally screwed up the timeline or time stream yet? Why hasn’t a major butterfly effect come into play yet? I can admit that the major reason that I am not a big fan of the Flash series is because I’ve always felt that there were too many Flashes in the time stream running forwards and backwards. Just too much going to on for everything to be running relatively smoothly.

What would happen if Zatanna said racecar? What would happen if she said “Yo bro free beer for boy”? True writers write whatever they want so they would never let it happen, but imagine for a moment she’s walking down the street with Dinah Lance and Diana Prince. Diana and Dinah are talking about the awesome golf game they saw the other day. They decide to ask Zatanna if she saw it and she responds “Golf no sir I prefer prison flog.” Palindromes: the bane of Zatanna.

Is the Xavier Institute an accredited school? I was wondering this when I was reading this X-Men encyclopedia I bought. Don’t laugh- it was on sale and looked interesting. I noticed that just about all of the X-Men have some sort of degree from there. It would be a shame if their degrees meant nothing. I know there are not really using them, but maybe one day they will. If it is accredited is it on a level of Yale or a community college?

Who is the smartest in DCU? Oh wait Bruce Wayne, Batman. Who is the second smartest person in DCU? Every month we are reminded on who the third smartest is, but who rates above him? On top of that how are they rated as being the smartest? Then it is smartest in what? It could be at fighting strategy, robotics, biology, computer, etc. Then it can’t really be a villain because if they were so smart they would win more. At least be able to do something bad and not get caught at all or be smart enough to just give up after getting their ass kicked so much.

What would really happen if The Blob (back when he was unmovable) and The Juggernaut (back when he was unstoppable) ran into each other at top speed? I personally like to believe they would explode. Then again they might just cancel each other out and it would sound like two marshmallows slamming into each other.

Can The Thing be intimate? Who would even want to be intimate with The Thing? Ok She-Hulk, but she’s a freak if you know what I mean. Same thing with Superman. Can he really get it on with Lois and really enjoy himself? That’s so dirty I know, but I was wondering.

I know that our heroes work out on a regular basis, but over time all the fights and battles have to take a toll on the body. Shouldn’t there come a time when they suffer from a serious case of arthritis? I doubt I could be Wildcat’s age and be rumbling like him. I bring this up because I have arthritis and I feel it on rainy days, and when I wake up in the morning and I’m not too keen on punching things.

I know the list could go on and on, but I don’t want everyone’s innocence totally destroyed. Still these are some questions to think about so you’re not completely ignorantly reading comics on a regular basis and it’s good to keep writers and editors on their toes.

Jocelyn Saddler

 

 



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