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Elliott Serrano Presents:









Today is the beginning of a new tomorrow. A new beginning for the world. A new beginning for comic books.

Today is the day we save the comic book industry…

After seeing Robert Kirkman’s video treatise on how creator owned books will save the comics industry, I was revived, invigorated and inspired. After years of falling sales and a shrinking market, Kirkman gave us the key to saving our beloved medium from extinction. Like a golden egg laid by a magical goose, it came at a time when we were most destitute and impoverished, giving us the treasure we needed to survive and florish. Now, thanks to Mr. Kirkman and a grant by the Xeric Foundation, we will embark on a ground-breaking project that will open new frontiers in comic books.

According to his video statement, if there were 2 Robert Kirkmans, comics would be ‘selling better’. If there were 6 Robert Kirkmans ‘they’d be selling huge.’ If there were 20 Kirkmans, the fans would come like baseball junkies to the Field of Dreams. So the solution is obvious.

We must clone Robert Kirkman. And to that effect we have begun ‘Project K.’ The Project will carry the objective of securing Kirkman’s DNA, producing several clones that will be raised to serve as comic creators and in turn save the comic industry.

Some may say it’s crazy. Some might say it’s downright stupid. But I say fortune favors the bold. May God help us all.

End of first entry.
______________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report: Week 1

Locating subject has proven more difficult than first believed. Kirkman lives in the South but has adapted a nomadic lifestyle that involves constant movement throughout the more rugged and forested areas of Georgia. Who knew there were so many caves? That explains how the Confederate Army was able to hide so well when the Union rolled into Savannah.

Intelligence reports suggest that Kirkman is prone to staying in mountainous areas where he can set up a drawing table and web cam with minimal disturbance. He also has lackeys carry an oversized ‘green screen’ for when he feels the need to create video ‘manifestos.’ Apparently, Kirkman likes to take the raw footage after broadcast and insert himself into scenes from his favorite movies like Pulp Fiction, Weekend At Bernie’s and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

We have a lead on his current whereabouts from a fellow comic creator who is willing to trade the info for a considerable amount of hashish.

Appropriate permissions will need to be obtained before the transaction can take place.

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 6

The K-Genome Analysis is well underway. After the unsuccessful attempt to capture Kirkman, (the intelligence proved false and turned out to be a base attempt by the comic creator to ‘score some pot’) the needed DNA was obtained on Ebay from a convention goer who managed to secure an uneaten portion of a donut Kirkman was consuming. Subsequent tests revealed that enough drool and saliva were on the donut to get a viable genetic sample (the jelly of the donut proved to be a suitable preservative).

Our scientists believe that we are mere months away from mapping the entire sequence and should have several ‘test clones’ ready for evaluation by the end of the year.

I pray that comics can hold on for that long.

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 27

WE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH! Kirkman’s DNA was discovered to be uniquely similar to a sequence found among Aboriginal shamans, making it a prime candidate for mass duplication. Astonishingly, this anti-imagination-extinction gene exists in only .0002 percent of the world’s population, meaning that while someone like Kirkman has the greatest chance of becoming a visionary creator, he’s gotta get laid or its all lost.

(Note: investigate Kirkman’s mating patterns and personal hygiene.)

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 53

The first K Clones have been created. They were started out on some rudimentary exercises like walking, running and panel layouts. One kept making reference to his ‘ba-bah’, which we assumed was some sort of object of comfort.

Subject 6 has shown the most promise as it has already read the first series of ‘The Walking Dead’ trade paperbacks and has extrapolated the ending to the series.

Everybody dies.

Surprise, surprise.

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 94

The first K Clones are in the field. Most receptive to our offer of a trio of Kirkmans was DC Editor-In-Chief Dan Didio who kept muttering something to the effect of ‘now Joe can stick his Marvel Zombies where the sun don’t shine.’

The Kirkman Group (as they are being called) will be tasked with reviving several DC books along with spear-heading a renewed effort to make the Wildstorm books – to quote Didio- ‘something people will actually read and not just line their hamster cages with.’

Scientists at the PROJECT are hopeful that this is a sign of things to come.

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 110

The effect of the PROJECT has almost been immediate. Within the first week of the ‘K- Clones’ arrival at DC Comics, Marvel EIC Joe Quesada angrily called our offices and demanded to know why we hadn’t considered placing the ‘K-Clones’ at his company. Arguing that ‘I own his (Kirkman’s) ass, whether it’s cloned or not’, Quesada threatened legal action if the clones were not removed from the DC offices and ‘placed in his custody’. His words, not ours.

Meanwhile, sales on Blue Beetle, Supergirl, Suicide Squad and Shazam shot up dramatically on the Publisher’s Weekly charts once the ‘K-Clones’ took over writing and art chores.

It looks like all the hard work is about to pay off.

End entry.
________________________________________________

PROJECT K – Status Report – Week 166

My God, what have we done!

After the initial euphoria of the K-Clones, now referred to in the media as ‘Klones’, things went horribly, horribly wrong.

Seeing that the PROJECT was going to offer ‘Klones’ to their biggest competitor, DC EIC Dan Didio made a desperate gamble and gave his group of Klones editorial control over half the DC Line. This resulted in mass defections of DC staff to other companies and the inexplicable homicide of a DC intern at the hands of former Senior Editor Jann Jones.

(Ms. Jones is now in psychiatric care to determine her suitability to go on trial.)

These events were unforeseen. Had we the foresight, we would never have inserted the second group of Klones into the Marvel offices, despite the legal ramifications it would have had.

(It has been revealed that while Joe Quesada does not legally own ‘Kirkman’s ass,’ he has some right to a portion of his soul upon Kirkman’s demise.)

The Marvel Klones were then given creative and editorial power over most Marvel books, excluding the ‘Captain Marvel’ book, which no one seems to read anyway.

Writer Brian Reed disappeared under questionable circumstances.

Marvel’s ‘Captain Marvel’ title was soon canceled.

And then the War began.

End entry.
________________________________________________

THE PROJEKT – FINAL ENTRY – WEEK ???

It all started so innocently. All we wanted to do was save comics. But we didn’t. If anything, we damned them to a meaningless, soulless existence.

First came the Marvel Zombies VS DC Xombies: SECRET ZOMBIE WAR CRISIS.

Then the Wildstorm books became the Invincible line.

Both comic universes were turned into post-apocalyptic zombie-verses and all the ‘regular’ books were canceled.

Battle Pope was introduced in a young readers line that was promptly protested by the Catholic League. It was then made into an animated series on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim and then a live-action film starring Ben Kingsley and directed by Uwe Bol.

Then the Klones ate Uwe Bol, which actually pleased most.

Then the Klones ate Joe Quesada, which surprised no one.

Then Dan Didio.

And Jim Lee.

And Erik Larsen.

It is believed that the Klones have Marc Sylvestri shackled in a basement/dungeon somewhere in Canada.

But the worst part is what’s happened to the comics.

They’re all about zombies, or teenage superheroes, or characters that are created to stir controversy and garner media attention.

In short, they haven’t changed at all.

God have mercy on our souls.

Elliott Ruben Serrano is a Comic Book Writer/Columist/Graphic Artist/Geek who agrees with Robert Kirkman and thinks that all independent comic creators currently working for Marvel and DC should just quit and work on their creator-owned books. Once Bendis, Brubaker and Fraction get the fuck outta dodge, and stop writing every goddam thing Marvel puts out, maybe some of the other shmucks who are trying to break in and get a chance.

And I certainly won’t try to eat your brains Joe & Dan. ;-)

Visit the Comic Culture Warrior You Tube Channel and his blog for more rants and raves. You can also read his column Geek To Me, every other week or so in the Chicago Red Eye.

E.R. Serrano

 

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