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Follically Challenged Productions Presents:







ANYTHING GOES: BOOB TUBIN’ BLUES

It’s that time of year again: after a few tense days of nail-biting, internet debating and “on the bubble” postulating, the TV networks have announced their lineups for the next viewing season. Some of you felt that Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles deserved another shot at the big leagues, while the Whedonites among you cried foul when Dollhouse appeared to be going the way of Firefly and heading into one-season-that-you-assail-your-friends-with-forever DVD hell. One of my favorites, Chuck, looked to be as good as dead before Subway stepped in and offered to sponsor the show in exchange for primo product placement consideration. This goes back to the earliest days of television, so I don’t have a particular problem with the idea of selling out to the sponsor for 13 more episodes of one of my favorite shows. Maybe they’ll have slow, lingering shots of Yvonne Strahovski biting into a foot-long steak and cheese sandwich, nibbling away with sultry enthusiasm. Whoopsie, Yvonne! You’ve got a little bit of sauce on your chin! Let me get that, sweetie---

---okay, maybe I’m getting off track a little. I guess the one thing that irks me about this while dog-and-pony show is the lack of devotion to the viewer. The network is willing to sink millions of dollars into a show, but then they turn around and cancel it without allowing the fans have some degree of closure? Most modern dangling plotlines could be wrapped up with a two-hour TV movie. Can’t you at least throw us a bone here? It’s really disingenuous of you to expect our loyalty and then just leave us hanging after we give it to you, just because we couldn’t each convince ten friends to join this particular party.

That’s not to say that the creators of these shows are off the hook, though! Tell you what, show runner – if you know have a 22-episode commitment, then TELL A 22 EPISODE STORY. We all snicker at 24 for being the most delicious slice of completely mindless boob-tubery on the buffet table, but y’know…they’re really good about keeping their seasons self-contained. Even when they leave an element in play from one season to the next, they do it with at least some sense of closure and whatever passes for logic over in Bauerland. You might want to look into that. We know you think that we need some sort of incentive to come back for the second season, but maybe you should be absolutely certain that you have a second season before you start playing those games with our hearts.

Don’t get me wrong: I love TV. I’m a complete sucker for the medium, and my DVR works harder than any other piece of equipment in my home (except maybe the refrigerator door) because there’s always something on that I want to watch. All I really need from the networks is an itsy-bitsy feeling of mutual respect and consideration…and maybe that Yvonne Strahovski sandwich love scene I mentioned. That could be gooood. 

Brandon Jerwa 

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